This week has really gotten to me. And it’s only Tuesday afternoon.
I wish I didn’t feel like a failure. As a wife, as a mom. I wish I was able to wave my magic wand and make the house clean, dinner ready, dirty diapers thrown out…
But more than that I wish I could EASILY change my heart. I wish I could wash away the bitterness, the frustration and the hurt that I’m holding on to with one long, steaming-hot shower. But on my own I can’t . And that’s ok.
I wish I could hold my tongue more. I wish I could bottle up emotions and keep them down there. I wish I didn’t explode at 5:15 every night with my “mess of feelings”. I wish I didn’t rely on my husband to fulfill needs he was NEVER created to fill. He can’t. And that’s ok.
I wish I was more patient. I wish I was more creative in how I spend my time with Lu instead of putting on Daniel Tiger when I just can’t come up with anything. I wish I had best friends with kids of similar ages so that we could tag team this ‘mom thing’ and our babes could hang out together. But right now I don’t. Someday I know I will. And that’s ok.
Poor dog, I wish I walked you more.
I wish I didn’t let Satan get to me as easily. Lately it seems like the smallest pebble makes me trip and fall. Hard. I wish I was stronger. I wish I relied on Jesus more. I wish He wasn’t the last one I ran to after trying to work it out myself. Why can’t I remember how ridiculous it is to justify my actions and rationalize my sins and hold on to my hurts?
I wrote this earlier this week. And while it is still true and I feel the sting of every word and more, God has been gracious and His mercies are new.
Have you heard of The Jesus Storybook Bible? If you haven’t, you need to get it. It is the sweetest, simplest most beautiful Bible I’ve ever read. Obviously, it’s a children’s Bible, but when I’m at my lowest of lowes this is the one I run to. The words are written so beautifully with love and hope wrapped around every line. On of my favorite quotes is at the end of the story of Adam and Eve…
“You see, no matter what, in spite of everything, God would love his children– with a Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love.”
If that doesn’t give you hope, if that doesn’t give you joy… I don’t know what will.
Things my be kinda crappy right now, but that’s ok. Things will get better. I’m married to my best friend, I have the most amazing, beautiiful child, we have shelter, food, and family. I have more than enough because I have Jesus.
So even in my mess-ups, even in my lows, in my failures, in my frustrations… My God Love Me.
And that’s more than ok.