I wrote this post last night when The Hubs gave me a night off! After this I went to Target and wondered for over an hour (cue angelic choir)! I came home right before 10, got in bed and fell asleep 🙂 It was a fantastic evening. Thanks babe!
I can’t believe it’s been almost a week since I’ve written anything. I know that I haven’t written much on this blog, but I have loved it. It’s so therapeutic for me to be able to focus on one entry instead of my head spinning in a million different directions. So, much thanks to my husband, who graciously kicked me out of the house to spend some time to myself for the first time all week!
I’m currently at one of my happy places in Tulsa. Panera. In a scarf and sweater. Eating broccoli cheddar soup. IN JULY. It’s 64 degrees outside. Seriously, THANK YOU JESUS for this freak cold front. It’s just perfect, and once again confirms that I am a winter girl 🙂
This week has been rather crazy. I had a sappy meltdown when I packed Luke’s 6-9 month close up to put in the attic, we said goodbye to our good friend as she travels back to India, worked on countless (and still unfinished) DIY projects for the house, kept an 8-month-old alive and well, working on prepping the house for company, and managed to shower every day. To my friends without kids, it sounds like a Friday afternoon, but It. Was. Rough.
I don’t think that’s why I haven’t blogged though. God’s been working on me a lot these last two weeks and I just haven’t really figured it out or wanted to share. But seriously, do we ever figure it out? No. Absolutely not.
Time to be totally honest.
I feel like I have sucked as a wife the last few months. And it’s not just that I FEEL that I’ve been less than an awesome wife, it’s that I actually HAVE been a crappy wife. If I were to stand before the Judgement Seat and God looked at my life in just the last 6 months, this is what I would see in regards to my relationship with The Hubs. I have been cold and I have been angry. I have been manipulative and I have been selfish. I have been hurting and I’ve been hurt. I have been bitter towards him about things that he has nothing to do with. I have treated my husband like a child. I have evaluated and criticized his every move, especially with our son. I have consistently called the babe “my son” not “our son”. I have been unloving. I have been unkind. I have been selfish.
Now, not to say that The Hubs is perfect, because he’s not and no one is. However he does not deserve to be treated this way just because I’ve been unhappy in our new transition. I have not loved him like Jesus would. I have given the opposite of grace. Ugh. Talk about a punch in the gut.
Sunday after the 4th of July, we got back from Dallas. After putting Luke to bed we had it out. Like, really had it out. Obviously, I won’t go into details because that’s our business, but it was rough. It was soooo needed. It’s like everything that we’ve been holding onto for the last 6 months finally made it to the surface. Before we were able to mask our feelings with living in different cities, house hunting, moving, new jobs, new routine, searching for a church, reconnecting with friends, parenting… And then the last month or so routine set in. There wasn’t anything new to stick over the wounds like band-aids. And the old ones were starting to smell. (Gross metaphor, but it works.)
Our conversation was so freeing. It was tough for both of us in many ways, but it was so great. We each had things to ask forgiveness for and that softened our hearts. We shared our unspoken and unfair expectations, which had produced anger and depression for both of us. We communicated about why we did what we did which brought clarity and reason. We shared what we needed from each other, and what could we could give to each other. Compassion and grace. At the end of the convo we prayed together and we felt like we had turned over a new leaf. Thank you Jesus that your mercies are new each morning 🙂
And then the next morning came. And the next, and the next. And each day I realized how my actions had hurt my husband. I watched before my eyes as the words I said and the way I acted hurt him. Before I didn’t know it, but now I was aware. Sin has great consequences. I can’t speak for him, but I have a feeling it might have been a similar situation. I felt like the slop in the crap pile that the pigs eat. It was soooooo awesome. (Sarcasm people, sarcasm.)
His Mercies are new EACH AND EVERY morning 🙂
During the last two weeks I spoke truth to myself over and over again. It doesn’t matter how worthless I feel, Jesus loves me. Each and every ounce of me. Instead of all the sinfulness I see in myself, the love of Jesus covers all of it. God sees the beautiful creation that I am, wrapped in the love of my Savior. With the help of The One who loves me, I can start afresh each day. I can pray for my attitude to change and to overflow with grace and love towards my family.
I am not enough, Jesus is.
I am not perfect, Jesus is.
I can not do it all, but Jesus can.
So this is what I’ve been going through the last couple weeks. Things are definitely getting better. We have appreciated, cared for and supported each other more this past week. It’s been wonderful. We’re still not 100% back to where we were, and I don’t think we ever will. We’re in a new city, with a new addition in a new home with a new community. Things will never be like they were before. I’m trusting they will be even better 🙂