Hello. My Name is Brittney, and I have poison ivy.

And thus begins my story of the most ridiculous 4 minutes of my day.

“Hello. My Name is Brittney, and I have poison ivy.”

Rewind two+ weeks ago.

Phil and I were trying to tackle the backyard, once again. I swear. That thing is something out of a horror film. No matter what we do, it comes back with a vengeance. Not like “Oh I’m just gonna do my thing and grow here kinda fast”, but like, “I AM COMING FOR YOUR SOUL” terrifying.photo 1(22)

After an afternoon of taking down the dead ivy that covered about a fourth of the fence line, we thought we had it beat. Oh how naive we were.

photo 2(18)photo 3(19)About a week later, we realized what that ivy had done to us. Hidden behind the dying leaves was… poison ivy. And she got us. Bad. I could have written an entire post about our visit to the doctor, but then again, I want to stay married. Let’s just say it was a hilarious trip for one of us and an enlightening trip for the other. Haha! We both got a steroid shot and an oral steroid to take for the next week. They both worked WONDERS but I still have not completely healed.Ugh.

I’m so bummed. I had pics of when the poison ivy was SO BAD and somehow, they were deleted. I know, I can hear your “disappointment tears” as you read this…

This is what I’m dealing with now as I coat myself in antibacterial/itch relief/moisturizing cream each hour of the day. I’ve worn long sleeves and pants (THANK YOU GOD FOR THE FREAK COOLER TEMPS WE’VE HAD!!) in order to not scare people and keep from itching like a mad woman. And that’s where we start our story….

So yesterday at approximately 2:15 pm, Luke was awake and we were playing in the living room watching Daniel Tiger on Netflix.

2:16- I notice I’m scratching like a maniac and am now bleeding. Why do I not notice these things before I start bleeding…

2:17- In my bedroom with Ted getting a band-aid. I use five band-aids on the five places that I’m scratching  most. (Just trying to be pro active people.)

2:18- Luke is playing on the floor in the living room (don’t worry Mom, I can see him) while I put on the last band aid.

2:19- I realize I need to put on pants to keep from scratching and walk into the guest room where my closet is. (Yes, I can still see Luke, and at this point he’s starting to crawl down the hallway.)

2:19:30- The first pair of pajama pants I pulled out are on the floor after being rejected (super itchy… why do I still have these?) and I’m reaching for the winning pair.

2:20:00- THE DOG RUNS IN AND THROWS UP ALL OVER MY REJECT PANTS

What. The. What.

2:20:06- I yell at the dog.

2:20:15- I run to let the dog out in the back yard, almost tripping over Lu but I save it with a “gracefully” leap (still with no pants on)

2:20:30- Dog is outside, I PRAY the neighbor didn’t see me pantsless and I think I have a moment to collect myself when I see Lu FLYING down the hallway, crawling faster than I’ve ever seen before in my life. A strange emotion of pride and panic sweep over me as I realize he is crawling RIGHT FOR THE VOMIT.

2:20:33- I SCOOP UP LU JUST AS…. he’s crawled right in the vomit.

That’s right. He crawled Right. Into. The. Vomit.

2:20:45- I stand there for 10 seconds. Pantsless. Itching. Holding Lu in the air. Covered in vomit. I look around and wonder how this happened in the last four minutes and how on earth my life came to this.

2:21- I bring Lu into my bedroom, wipe him down with half the package of babywipes, and change his clothes… as he laughed through the whole thing.

2:23- Lu goes to play in the pack-n-play as the next episode of DT starts, and I, FINALLY, put on pants. And I realize one of the front windows has been opened the entire time. You’re welcome retired neighbor who works on his car out front every afternoon…

2:25-Finally clean up the mess on the hardwood floor in the guestroom. And then I figured… I might as well clean all the floors! The dog is outside, the babe is happily playing… I’m already sweating and needing a shower after this mess…

2:45- All hardwood floors in the house are swept and moped.

And that sums up the craziest 10 minutes of my day. photo(16)

Ps- I’m still itching like crazy…..

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One thought on “Hello. My Name is Brittney, and I have poison ivy.

  1. DYING laughing (well, between being HORRIFIED that my grandson had dog vomit on him). So sorry – but hey…this made a hilarious post. Thanks so much for NOT taking pics of the cleanup process! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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