Why my heart hurts tonight (And an update on the poision ivy)

I’ve been in a funk all day. All week really. I don’t know if it’s because of the the craziness in Ferguson, the murder of reporter James Foley or just the complete terror and disgust of an organization like ISIS. I know that these things have been happening in the world and I’m just becoming more aware. These injustices weigh heavily on my heart, as it should with any human being. I listened to last weeks sermon by Matt Chandler at The Village and was very encouraged by what he had to say on these issues. Go listen.

“The only thing that has changed in the last 6 week is our awareness… The world has been crazy, it has been broken… we are unaware of the type of loss, sorrow, injustice and brokenness that is rampant in a world that has fallen away from it’s creator.

My hope is anchored in one place and it is anchored in this truth- that The Gospel of Jesus Christ can penetrate in any and every darkness and it is the ONLY hope any of us have around any of this….”

-Matt Chandler

In our day to day life, we still haven’t found a church, still looking for a MOMS group, parent friends,  working with a teething toddler and a dog who randomly throws up on the diaper bag. (For the love. He’s done this the last two days. Not sure what his deal is or why he hates the diaper bag.)

But the biggest thing in my super small, selfish world that is putting me in a mood, is this: photo 3(26)This is poison ivy/a skin infection. This is after two steroid shots, an oral steroid and an antibiotic. It is hot to the touch and itches like… well like poison ivy and a skin infection. I’ve had to wear pants and long sleeves for the last two weeks and I’ve gone through four tubes of cortisone cream and Gold Bond. It’s gotten better, but this is the cause of my daily mood. Again, NOTHING compared to what is happening to others across the country and across the world… my world is small and I am selfish.

But I saw something on the news today that enraged me on a deeper level.

As many of our close friends and family know, the Hubs and I are passionate about adoption and foster care. We’re working our way out out of debt so that we can afford to adopt. Hopefully through the foster care system. In Dallas, I LOVED the “Wednesday’s Child” segment on WFAA where they highlight a child waiting to be adopted. I cried every time for every child. I was so thankful that adoption and foster care was highlighted, but at the same time my heart just broke for these sweet babies who just wanted a Momma and a Dad. I was so thankful that God revealed this desire in my heart and that he allowed this to be a desire my husband shares with me.

Tonight for the first time, I saw Tulsa’s “Waiting Child“. It was adorable. Two sweet brothers, 12 and 9, who love reading and got to go to the Tulsa Zoo and help feed the animals. I have totally fallen in love with these boys. But one comment made by the older brother that has gnawed at me all evening…

“Branquez, who starts sixth grade, is very responsible for his age. He says, ‘I like to spend time reading my Bible.  Helping out with chores and things that need to be done. Mowing, sweeping, vacuuming.’ ”

It made me so sad to think about the life this little boy must have had. It’s so clear that he feels responsible for the care of his brother and doing all he can to ensure they are adopted together. I’m calling bullshit on his answer. What twelve year old enjoys mowing, sweeping and vacuuming?? Not one. It is so obvious to me that someone has told him/coached him/modeled for this boy that your value and worth is dependent on what you can do. He is trying to make himself the most attractive to a family to make sure he and his brother are adopted together. I may be projecting, but I don’t think I’m that far off.

This idea had to be taught. The idea that the more he does, the greater his works are, that THAT will make him worthy of a family. It makes me so, so sad for this sweet boy. I can’t imagine the stress and the pressure that he must hold over himself.

Beyond just a family, what does this do to his relationship with Jesus? Does he think that if he’s ‘good enough’, if he sweeps enough, if his room is clean enough, if his grades are good enough, that God will give him a family?

If financially we could swing it (as well as being certified/approved/ready for them), I would go pick up that boy and his brother, bring them home, tell him I love him for HIM, and do nothing but fun things that a 12 year old would love for the next month. (And then of course, we would eventually have chores to do, but we’d be taking a break from those.) We’d go fishing, exploring, go to the library, go to Lego Land, ride bikes, make forts, light things on fire, play with animals, go to a baseball game… FUN THINGS. I would tell him over and over again how much I love him and how much Jesus loves him. And I would show it.

With my children, no matter if they are biological or adopted, I want NOTHING more than to instill in them that I love them for the soul and the human being that they are. Not because of their works or actions or how clean they keep their rooms.

Ok, off my soap box. Going to go get a glass of wine, watch So You Think You Can Dance, and then pray for the babies we hope to adopt someday. Seriously. I need to pray for my babies more. They’re getting a fierce Momma Bear.

And I need more Cortisone Cream…. My leg is on fire.


3 thoughts on “Why my heart hurts tonight (And an update on the poision ivy)

  1. Our world is so broken, and so are we. Thanks for sharing your heart so openly regarding what is going on around the globe and adoption. I think we are kindred spirits, you and I. :~)

    I’ve always said I wanted a little black baby or two (I DID grow up in Africa, after all). Maybe someday…


  2. Excited to see what the future holds for you guys. Have you looked into the foster care system in OK yet? In Illinois, the financial stipend that families receive while fostering children will continue even after they the children are adopted. They also have a state medical card that they can keep until they are 18, even after they are adopted. I didn’t realize how much help we’d be getting from Illinois just to welcome precious children into our family. It obviously won’t cover all of the costs of raising a child, but it was nice to know. 🙂


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